“‘Cause I’ve seen it all come and go before
I’m sure I’ll see it all again
But if I thought for one instant it might be love
I’d be the first one jumpin’ in…”
– Diamond Rio lyrics (“Here I Go”)
Ok. So, a little over a month ago, I wrote a blog about how I was going to take the whole year of 2013 off from dating and relationships. (Here’s the link if you’re interested.) Well, I figure there’s no better time than April Fool’s Day to update my readers on how that little notion has played out. Why April Fool’s Day? Well. I’m pretty sure this day was designed for fools like me. So since this is my own personal day, I figured I can confess a few things and you guys might go a little easier on me.
So with that preamble, I’m sure you know what I’m about to confess. Turns out, I wasn’t so great at that whole idea. But that’s ok.
And here’s why.
I heard some Alabama song lyrics again a while back and they really got to me. It’s a song called Lady Down on Love. Here are the lyrics:
“She’s got her freedom
But she’d rather be bound
To a man who would love her
And never let her down.”
That’s so me. It really is. Yes, I had my freedom. And yes, I was enjoying it to an extent. I have learned more about myself in these past three months than I may ever have before – and the only reason for that is that I just finally took the time to actually do it. And one of the biggest things that I’ve learned, and that I’ve come to accept, is that I really am a pretty positive person. I just am. I’m a glass half full kinda gal. Yes, I do get my feelings hurt at times, I do get let down when things don’t go my way, I do cry, I do get sad – I’m not saying I’m immune to all of that. But it’s all temporary. Once it passes, I get back up on that horse and I know that better things are around the corner. I really would “rather be bound,” so to speak. So, with this being the case, I tend to remain open to any possibilities. Including the fact that if something real came along, I wasn’t going to turn it away just because I said in some blog that I would.
Well, something real did come along. Again.
Actually, it never left.
Oh, I tried so hard to convince myself it was gone. I told myself over and over and over again that I was moving on. That I didn’t need “some guy” and that I was fine alone. And I would have been too. I know that now. But my heart absolutely refused to shut up. It just wouldn’t listen to me when I was trying to tell it that we didn’t love him anymore. He was everywhere. In the songs I heard. In the books I read. In the new guys I met (not that there were that many, mind you. But still.) There he was. Unfinished business is a tricky little fellow. It doesn’t go away until it’s dealt with. No matter how hard you try.
Now, being the open person I am, I would spout out all kinds of details if I sat here at this keyboard long enough and didn’t think it through. But just because I’m an open book – that doesn’t mean that everyone else is. So out of respect for the privacy of the people I love, I’m not going to get into the nitty gritty of the hows and whys things happened the way they did. Not even sure we know the answer to that ourselves to be honest with you. But the long and the short of it is this – I found my way back to my best friend. And I’m certain that he found his way back to his too. It has been a long road, and we’re still walking it, but we finally decided to try walking it together for a change. No more rushing ahead, no more falling behind…just walking together. Figuring it out as we go.
We like it better this way.
So, back to the original blog entry. Honestly – nothing has changed. I’m still on this “quest for me,” so to speak. That won’t be changing. I’m still going to be writing this blog. I’m still training for my half marathon. I’m still going to continue acting. I’m still going to be me. A stronger, healthier, more self-aware version of me, yes – but still me. Being in a relationship is not going to change that. Finally. I think maybe I’m finally learning to find that balance – that thin line that lies between giving your heart to someone, while at the same time still remembering to retain a big portion for yourself.
So, there’s my update. I didn’t exactly do what I set out to do in the way that I set out to do it. But did I fail? Heck no. I’m in love and I’m trying. There’s definitely no failure in that.
Let’s go find out what the future holds…
“To lose balance for love is part of living a balanced life.”
– Elizabeth Gilbert