“Write while the heat is in you. The writer who postpones the recording of his thoughts uses an iron which has cooled to burn a hole with. He cannot inflame the minds of his audience.”
– Henry David Thoreau
So, today – February 15th – I’m going to be honest. I’m going to ‘write while the heat is in me.’ I’m going to tell it like it is.
I mean, I know I’ve probably subtly conveyed that pretty well already over the past month. (Or maybe not-so-subtly…). But I do always try to add a positive spin on it. This is a learning experience; I’m going to be a better person when this all over; I have so many blessings, etc. And all of those things are true. They are. But sometimes, I’m just freakin’ sad. And I’ve been trying not to write during those times because I want to convey a more upbeat message in my writings. But, eh. I’m thinking honesty is probably the better way to go today. I receive a daily email called “The Daily Love” and the other day’s message contained this: “I know it sounds impossible, but what if you were sent major pain, not only to learn from it, but to help others, too? Who you naturally are is FAR more inspiring than who you pretend to be.” I’m going to take a chance and hope that is true. So, here goes.
I’m not sure why it’s hitting me again today specifically. I think maybe I saved up all my strength to brace myself for the dreaded Valentine’s Day. So, now that that silly day has come and gone, I realize that maybe I didn’t save up enough of that strength to spill over into the next day. And the one after that. Etc.
I saw so many varying Facebook statuses yesterday about Valentine’s Day. They ranged from “Love is wonderful!” to “Love sucks and I can’t wait until this day is over.” (My personal favorites were the ones being excited about Valentine’s Day because of the half-priced chocolate on February 15…) And the thing I noticed most was this: I could identify with ALL of them. My friends who are happily married and think love is wonderful? I identified. I remember that feeling. My friends who are very unhappily single and bitter? I identified. I have those feelings too. My friends who are at the beginning of a new relationship and were giddy over their first Valentine’s Day? Yep. Identified with that too. Been there. (And, if I were being completely honest with myself, probably will be there again sometime in the distant future. Ugh.)
But one of the things I heard yesterday really stood out to me. This wasn’t a Facebook status, it was a private conversation with another recently single friend. When I asked how her Valentine’s Day had went, she responded, “You know? I miss him. But I had a better day today than I would have if I had been with him.”
That little statement stopped me in my tracks. First of all, I’m very happy for her that she was able to see the day in that light. It has taken her a long time to reach that point and she is healing in leaps and bounds. But secondly, it made me wonder that myself. Was my day better than it would have been if I was still in my relationship?
You know what? I think maybe it was.
And how many of us singletons, if we were really honest with ourselves, would say the exact same thing? How much of what you remember from a lost relationship is actually what you wanted it to be, rather than what it actually was? Food for thought.
So, yeah, anyway. Mindless psychobabble aside: I’m still sad. Whether I’m missing what was or what I wanted it to be – either way, it’s still a sad situation. Hey – some days are better than others. (Note to self: the day after Valentine’s Day is one of those ‘others.’) But I’m still here. I’m still writing; I’m still processing; and I’m still getting it all out. And if one other person out there knows that what they’re feeling is not unique to them because of my heart’s permanent spot on my sleeve, then I have served a purpose. My job here is done.
And now, I’m off to buy some cheap chocolate…